Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I can鈥檛 afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don鈥檛 remember
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.