7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything