tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news