Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.