Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.