Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.