Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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IT’S-A ME,
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
what
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Liquor Store Parking