ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Every BBC series about the universe.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.