Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
You Might Also Like
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.