How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison