Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
You Might Also Like
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement