Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.