Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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Oh yeah that’s it
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
just having fun
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore