[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Mad Max Arctic Road
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!