[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“What?”
– Jude
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…