Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You deplete me
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill