a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?