If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Mornin
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.