“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Body by Oreos
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!