Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Fight
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”