Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
🤣😂
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]