why isn’t thunder called soundning
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?