Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You Might Also Like
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Eat…
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.