I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?