[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Are you ok, human???
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!