“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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ibopfufen
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
can you read it!!??
maan!
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.