2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.