Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You Might Also Like
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
😅🤣😂
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.