Ovenable?
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.