Just me?
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.