Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
You Might Also Like
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Shower sex be like:
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*