People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You wish you had this many chins.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows