I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
#Thanos #MondayMood
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
When he asks for feet pics
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food