In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
look at me when i’m typing to you
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
That’s easy for you to say
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn