There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing