I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?