Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS