Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.