one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Friday
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
socratic questions
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong