okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
You Might Also Like
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
We’ve come full circle
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home