Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
necessity is the mother of invention
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Shortcut
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact