Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels