Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me opening up to someone
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.