angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.