Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes