[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
This is the one
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.