I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Bed should get ready for ME
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I just stopped by to water my horse.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true