“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
You Might Also Like
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I love twitter
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”