My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?