Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Who.
Did.
This?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day